[Keeper]

You said you last played 20 years ago. Don't you have your old ones anymore? Even a shitty pair of adidas will last for at least 53 seasons.

But even if you don't and you must buy a new pair, stay away from Greek equipment. Greek companies are all corrupt and there are pictures to prove it.

There are many important choices to make when buying a new pair of boots, but by far the most crucial is purchasing the correct colour. The right colour will first give your manager an idea of what kind of skill and attitude to expect from you. Also -- after you've made the team, of course -- the right colour choice can have a psychological impact on your opponent. Red or yellow, and you'll come off as a Brazilian or some other nation of latino descent -- this could be good but you'll need to be able to pull it off, otherwise you may look impressive for all of 60 seconds after the kick-off.

Blue can also be sharp at times, particularly if you're a defender. The Italians are known for this and, as such, look fantastic in anything blue.

But lastly, and most importantly, don't be fooled by the 16-year old sales clerk who may try to sell you a pair of anything in white or silver. Or, for that matter a pair with a red cross on it. You'll be laughed right off the park on your first try out with some valley team and worst of all you'll never achieve more than 2nd place, at best. PM Inspector Blake for more info on this.