Ball & Chain(s)

Regs

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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do" she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today".
 

Hands of Stone

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Homeless or Married

Homeless man...


A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked
him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his
wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this
money, will you buy some Budweiser with it instead?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the hmeless man
replied.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying fod?" the man
asked.

"No, I don't gamble" the homeless man said. "I need
everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course
instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played
golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the two
dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific
dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious
with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably
smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "Hey, man, that's okay! I just want her to
see what a man looks like who's given up Budweiser,gambling, and golf."

HOS

I will be at the TTP Golf Tourney, Drinking Bud, and Betting on every hole with Capt., but I may be homeless after the weekend.
 

SC

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man oh man Riggs

Interesting how your latest posts have all been about marriage:eek:

HOS is no help in the matter;)
 

SC

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oooopppps

I didn't say I was the sharpest tissue in the mailbox :eek:

It was still on your mind back then:p
 

BlazeArmy

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A man left work one Friday afternoon. But instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend, drinking and golfing with the boys and spending his entire Paycheque.

When he finally arrived sunday night he was confronted by his very very angry wife and was barraged for nearly 2 hours with a tirade about his actions.Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him "How would you like it if you didn't see me for 2 or 3 days?!"

To which he replied: " That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and he didn't see her either.

On thursday, the swelling went down just enough where........
he could see her a little bit out of the corner of his right eye!
 

Yoda

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Tough Wife?

Walking into the bar, Henry said, "Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had
another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah," said Eddie. "And how did this one end?

"When it was over," Henry replied, "She came to me on her hands and
knees."

"Really ? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under that bed, you little Chickenshit!"
 

Fastshow

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real.......

Wife, naked, looks at herself in bedroom mirror and says to hubby "I feel fat, horrible and ugly. Pay me a compliment, will you?"



Hubby: "Your eyesight's fcukin' perfect, love!"

 

BlazeArmy

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These are some important rules for women to know.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to
say during commercials.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going
to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this
one: Subtle hints do not work! ! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to
almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help
solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in
an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret
girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't
ask us, we could tell you the truth.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways,
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us
how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and
neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default
settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin
is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we
will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it's not
worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
expect an answer ou don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything
you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking - unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, sports, the shotgun
formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. We don't mind sleeping on the couch. It's like camping in comfort.
 

Dapotayto

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Don't know it's been posted already...

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Leroy Replied, "I'm not sure. What was her maiden name?"

--------

A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did I get my intelligence?"

The father replied, "Well, son, it must have came from your mother 'cause I still have mine."

--------

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said, "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

--------

A doctor examined a women, took the husband aside and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."

"Me neither, doc," said the husband, "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
 

striker14

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That is pretty freakin' funny...long, but yeah...definately worth the read on your coffee break or somethin'

striker14
 

BlazeArmy

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The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists; two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a .45 Revolver. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said. "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. 6 shots were heard, one shot after another. The agents heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
 

Hands of Stone

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>>>A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.
>>>While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the Husband,
>>>"You can have her shipped home for $5,000; or you can bury her here, in
>>>the Holy Land, for $150."
>>>
>>>The man thought about it and told him he would just have her
>>>shipped home The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your
>>>wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would only
>>>spend $150?"
>>>
>>>The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and
>>>three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
 

striker14

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The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled You Can Be the
Man of Your House. He stormed to his wife in the kitchen.

"From now on, you need to know that I'm the man of this house and my word
is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished
eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner you
are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I
want. After that, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will
wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage
my feet and hands. And then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and
comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The ****in' funeral director would be my guess."

love it

striker14
 
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