So you don't know anything about football? You have our eternal pity. And now, our eternal assistance. Here, in dramatically condensed form, is everything you need to know about the game and the World Cup. Keep this guide handy for those rare moments when you're struggling to fill the silence in the injury stoppages of Ghana v Czech Republic.
RULES AND JARGON. The aim of football is simple: one team of 11 players must score more goals than another team of 11 players. Each team is divided into roughly four groups. The job of the goalkeeper is to stand between the goalposts and shout at the defenders in front of him. The job of the defenders is to be shouted at by the goalkeeper. The job of the midfielders is to tell the goalkeeper and the defenders to cut it out. And the job of the strikers is to stand up the other end of the park and not care about all the shouting because they've just been offered a sponsorship deal with a cosmetics company.
Like any sport, football is awash with jargon. Here are some of the more important words to look out for. Free kicks are the things that David Beckham does. Penalties are the things Mark Viduka misses. Bicycle kicks are the spectacular overhead kicks that strikers attempt when they want to send the ball into the crowd in a visually interesting way. A flat back four is a type of defensive formation that involves playing four players in a straight line in front of goal. A short back and sides is a type of haircut. A nutmeg is when a player beats his opponent by playing the ball through his opponent's legs. A doughnut is when Mark Viduka takes a penalty. A stepover is a trick that technically gifted players use to send their opponents the wrong way. A combover is a trick that technically gifted players use when they start going bald. "Technically gifted" is the phrase you use to describe a player when you can't think of anything else to say about him.
THE WORLD CUP … 32 COUNTRIES, 32 CLICHES. The golden rule of the World Cup is that each of the nations competing can be reduced to a cliche. For this tournament, bear the following in mind. Argentina are a bunch of cheats. Australia will trouble more highly fancied opponents with their physical style of play. Angola will just be happy to be there. Brazil play as if they're dancing the samba. Costa Rica have the flair of South Americans, and the GDP to match. Croatia are technically gifted. Ecuador can only play at altitude. England are nothing without Wayne Rooney. France are a bunch of ageing sociopaths with more interest in driving around the Arc de Triomphe and preying on scooter riders than the World Cup. The Dutch should have won in 1974. Iran are tough and elusive - and that's just their surnames. Japan are quick and slippery, like South Korea. South Korea are quick and slippery, like Japan. Paraguay play a short passing game. Portugal peaked around the same time Portuguese custard tarts did. Saudi Arabia get given cars if they win games. Spain are the perennial underachievers. Italy are a bunch of over-coiffured showponies. The USA are a bunch of towel-snapping frat boys. The Ukraine are Andriy Shevchenko. The Czech Republic are technically gifted.
CONVERSATION FILLERS. Players to look out for on account of their extreme physical beauty include Francesco Totti, David Beckham, Freddie Ljungberg and Cristiano Ronaldo. Players to look out for on account of their extreme ugliness include Wayne Rooney, Carles Puyol, Franck Ribery and Ronaldinho. Players to look out for because they're called Quim include Portuguese goalkeeper Quim.
If you're still struggling, any of the following sentences can be relied on to bring the right mixture of authority and knowing wit to any World Cup-related conversation. "Their build-up play has been good but the killer instinct has been missing." "Like Tunisia at the 2000 African Cup of Nations, they lack cohesion in the middle." "If I were Ronaldinho's dentist, I'd have gone into hiding by now." "These jinking runs out of midfield are making me thirsty." "You're only saying that because Craig Foster did."
And if none of those works, say: "They're solid at the back. And technically gifted."
RULES AND JARGON. The aim of football is simple: one team of 11 players must score more goals than another team of 11 players. Each team is divided into roughly four groups. The job of the goalkeeper is to stand between the goalposts and shout at the defenders in front of him. The job of the defenders is to be shouted at by the goalkeeper. The job of the midfielders is to tell the goalkeeper and the defenders to cut it out. And the job of the strikers is to stand up the other end of the park and not care about all the shouting because they've just been offered a sponsorship deal with a cosmetics company.
Like any sport, football is awash with jargon. Here are some of the more important words to look out for. Free kicks are the things that David Beckham does. Penalties are the things Mark Viduka misses. Bicycle kicks are the spectacular overhead kicks that strikers attempt when they want to send the ball into the crowd in a visually interesting way. A flat back four is a type of defensive formation that involves playing four players in a straight line in front of goal. A short back and sides is a type of haircut. A nutmeg is when a player beats his opponent by playing the ball through his opponent's legs. A doughnut is when Mark Viduka takes a penalty. A stepover is a trick that technically gifted players use to send their opponents the wrong way. A combover is a trick that technically gifted players use when they start going bald. "Technically gifted" is the phrase you use to describe a player when you can't think of anything else to say about him.
THE WORLD CUP … 32 COUNTRIES, 32 CLICHES. The golden rule of the World Cup is that each of the nations competing can be reduced to a cliche. For this tournament, bear the following in mind. Argentina are a bunch of cheats. Australia will trouble more highly fancied opponents with their physical style of play. Angola will just be happy to be there. Brazil play as if they're dancing the samba. Costa Rica have the flair of South Americans, and the GDP to match. Croatia are technically gifted. Ecuador can only play at altitude. England are nothing without Wayne Rooney. France are a bunch of ageing sociopaths with more interest in driving around the Arc de Triomphe and preying on scooter riders than the World Cup. The Dutch should have won in 1974. Iran are tough and elusive - and that's just their surnames. Japan are quick and slippery, like South Korea. South Korea are quick and slippery, like Japan. Paraguay play a short passing game. Portugal peaked around the same time Portuguese custard tarts did. Saudi Arabia get given cars if they win games. Spain are the perennial underachievers. Italy are a bunch of over-coiffured showponies. The USA are a bunch of towel-snapping frat boys. The Ukraine are Andriy Shevchenko. The Czech Republic are technically gifted.
CONVERSATION FILLERS. Players to look out for on account of their extreme physical beauty include Francesco Totti, David Beckham, Freddie Ljungberg and Cristiano Ronaldo. Players to look out for on account of their extreme ugliness include Wayne Rooney, Carles Puyol, Franck Ribery and Ronaldinho. Players to look out for because they're called Quim include Portuguese goalkeeper Quim.
If you're still struggling, any of the following sentences can be relied on to bring the right mixture of authority and knowing wit to any World Cup-related conversation. "Their build-up play has been good but the killer instinct has been missing." "Like Tunisia at the 2000 African Cup of Nations, they lack cohesion in the middle." "If I were Ronaldinho's dentist, I'd have gone into hiding by now." "These jinking runs out of midfield are making me thirsty." "You're only saying that because Craig Foster did."
And if none of those works, say: "They're solid at the back. And technically gifted."
