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Football Howlers......

Fastshow

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The Meraloma fan walks into a pub with his dog just as the football scores come on the TV. The announcer says that the 'Lomas have lost 3-0 and the dog immediately rolls over on its back, sticks its paws in the air and plays dead. "That's amazing," says the barman. "What does he do when they win?"
The Meraloma fan scratches his head for a couple of minutes and finally replies: "I dunno.... I've only had the dog for eight months."


CDK was caught speeding on his way to watch Croatia A.
"I'll do anything for 3 points", he said when questioned.


Q: How does Regs change a lightbulb?


A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him.


Someone asked me the other day, what time do the Argentina Athletics kick off?
About every ten minutes I replied.

Keeper is so distraught after his latest blunder that he decides to end it all. He walks straight out of his house and throws himself down in front of a number 9 bus. Luckily, it passes under him.

Two boys are playing football in the park when one of them is attacked by a rottweiler. Thinking quickly, his friend rips a plank of wood from a fence, forces it into the dog's collar and twists it, breaking the dog's neck. All the while, a newspaper reporter who was taking a stroll through the park is watching. He rushes over, introduces himself and takes out his pad and pencil to start his story for the next edition. He writes, "Metro Ford fan saves friend from vicious animal." The boy interrupts: "But I'm not a Metro Ford fan." The reporter starts again: "Pegasus fan saves friend from horrific attack." The boy interrupts again: "I'm not a Peg fan
either." The reporter asks: "Who do you support, then?" "Surrey Rangers," replies the boy. So the reporter starts again: "Surrey bastard kills family pet"


Q: What is the difference between Peg/Olys and a triangle?

A: A triangle has three points.


Q. Why should you never run over a Bosna Kosova supporter when they are on a bike?

A. It's probably your bike.


A Little Welsh lad is practicing his free kicks at McBride. He has one of those portable walls which he moves around to change the angle so he can shoot from different areas of the field.

He takes 50 kicks at goal, everyone finds the back of the net. the Meraloma manager is watching in the stands and walks down to talk to the young man.

"How old are you son?" asks the hair dying Meraloma genius.
"13" Replies the young fellow.
"Well I am very impressed with your shooting" continues the raven-headed manager, "and I must say if you continue in this vein of form, when you get older you may be good enough to play for the Meraloma 1st team."
"Fcuk off" said our hero "it's bad enough being Welsh"


Dickens_Cider and JAGS were wheeling their shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when they noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping.
They stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" to which the old lady replied, "no way fellas, you got yourself into this mess,
don't ask me to sort it out......."

Q) Why does the Fraser River run through Surrey?

A) If it walked it would get mugged.


Q) What is the difference between Ballbaby and God?

A) God doesn't think he's Ballbaby.


Q: What's the difference between Club Ireland and a teabag?

A: A tea bag stays in the cup longer.....


Meralomas are magic. Watch them disappear in to the second division...


Q) What is the difference between a hedgehog and Cloverdale Athletic, home of Surrey United?

A) On a hedgehog all the pricks are on the outside.......


Millhouse went to the Delta Highlanders Xmas party last season dressed as a pumpkin.

Come midnight he still hadn't turned into a coach.


Q) What do Croatia 'A' and George Michael have in common?
A) They're both always scoring in the wrong end.


Captain Shamrock takes the players out to a fancy restaurant for a team building exercise because morale was at an all time low.
He calls the waiter over and starts to order the food.
He goes through the starters no problem. "What would Sir like for the main course?" the waiter asks old Pickled Egg Eyes, "I'll have the beef, please" replied Shitpicks.
"OK Sir, what about your vegetables?" the waiter added, "They can have the same, thanks," replied the Captain.....


Meralomas January Sale........

'Loma TABLECLOTHS - Suitable for any occasion but tend to slip down the table after a short time - £4:99

'Loma VIDEOS - All the highlights from the last 20 years action. This 10 min video, including lots of re-runs, is a perfect gift for any fan £9:99

Meraloma BANNERS - Come complete with interchangeable slogans Eg:- "Gaffa Out", "Dazza OUT", "LET ME OUT" etc.. £15:00

"OUR LITTLE HERO" KEYRINGS - Come complete with model of Dazza (Our Hero) attached. - £0.50p each.

Meraloma JOKE BOOK - A MUST for all fans. This 900 page book is full of all the best jokes ever told about the club. - £25:00

'Loma C0NDOMS - Come in sizes from "Little Hero" to "BIG BOY". Ideal for the pricks at McBride. - £0:75p for life-time's supply. (packet of 3)

Meraloma BRA - One for the ladies. This bra, in team colours, comes with good support but no cups- £14:99

'Loma 'LADIES' TOWELS - The 'Dazza' sanitary towel, complete with instructions, "In for a week, Out for a month". - £1:00 each

KEEPER'S GLOVE - A must for any fans at the back of the stand, or near the corner flags to catch any shots the lads may have at goal. £8:99

LEAGUE DIRECTORY - An item for the more discerning fan. This quality publication gives detailed directions to every 'Division 2' Ground in the VMSL. A snip at just £25:00

Meraloma LIPSTICK - Ideal for kissing goodbye. (To the First Division, as worn by the players) £0:99p each

BARGAIN BASEMENT - Don't miss the annual clearance sale of players. These come in all ages, (many are free of charge, spares or repairs)






 

Fastshow

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a new hero.........




Ronaldo, Luis Figo and Wayne Rooney are standing before God at the throne of heaven.
God looks at them and says; "before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in."

Addressing Ronaldo first he asks, "what do you believe?"

Ronaldo looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe football to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from the slums of Rio to the bright lights of Barcelona.  I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people who stood on the terraces supporting their club."

God looks up and offers Ronaldo the seat to his left.

He then turns to Luis Figo , "and you, Luis , what do you believe?"

Figo stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits."

God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Figo the seat to his right.

Finally, he turns to Wayne Rooney , "and you, Wayne , what do you believe?"





"I believe" says Rooney "you're sitting in my seat."
 

Fastshow

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On a tour of England the Pope took a couple of days off to visit theNorth West coast. His 4 x 4 Pope-Mobile was driving along the
goldensands when there was an enormous commotion. They rushed to seewhat it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed, just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a Manchester United football jersey, struggling to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark !!!


At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Liverpool tops roared into view. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into it's ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Man. U. fan from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi -conscious man into the boat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling from the shore.............. It was the Pope, summoning them to the beach.


Upon reaching land, the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I'd heard there were racist, xenophobic people trying to divide the people of Britain but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true". "I can see your society is a truly enlightened example of tribal harmony which could serve as a model for other nations".


He blessed them all and drove off. As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others "Who was that old twat ?!"

"That," one answered "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct
contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom"


"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows fcuk all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up or do we need to get another one???"
 

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