I Choose to Believe It...

peter

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Alligator Warning

The Florida State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in Osceola, Polk, Brevard and Orange Counties. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator. Additionally,  it is  a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity. People should recognize the difference between the droppings of small young alligators and large adult alligators. Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers. Adult alligator droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.
 

Fastshow

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Cats are for girls...

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary

Day 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MUM! MY FAVOURITE!
Day 181 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MUM! MY FAVOURITE!
Day 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
1:30 PM - OOOOOOOH. BATH. BUMMER!
4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MUM! MY FAVOURITE!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

DAY 183
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 184
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair . . . must try this on their bed.
DAY 185
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. . . Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
DAY 186
I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason, I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 187
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odour of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 188
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time. . .
 

Buckfast

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Piss Flaps

After her fifth child, Carol decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory - cos her gammon was dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace.

Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot, rather than a badly packed kebab.

Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.

"Who are these from ?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."

"Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks"

"Ahhh, that's really nice" said Carol

"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!".

"Brilliant!" said Carol. "And the third?"

"That's from Eric in the burns unit" said the nurse.
"He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears."
 

Jinky

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Only In America

"Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She had initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid."
 

Fastshow

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you can see it coming..........

>An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction
>site.
>The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
>
>To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."
>
>And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
>
>He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
>
>So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
>
>The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."
>
>Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
>
>The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him neither."
>
>The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy ... Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells...
>
"Supplies!"


Fnaar.
 

CDK

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One day Fastshow, Jinky, and Captain Shamrock walked into a pub together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. Fastshow pushed his beer away from him in disgust. Jinky fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Captain too , picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!"
 

Fastshow

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medical.....



A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge
HEART covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When
confronted later, he said: "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."

At that point, the proctologist fainted.
 

Fastshow

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Where has Kurgan gone?

Off yahoo.co.uk

Awesome. Shockingly awesome.
'TIME-TRAVELLER' BUSTED FOR INSIDER TRADING
Wednesday March 19, 2003



By CHAD KULTGEN

NEW YORK -- Federal investigators have arrested an enigmatic Wall Street wiz on insider-trading charges -- and incredibly, he claims to be a time-traveller from the year 2256!

Sources at the Security and Exchange Commission confirm that 44-year-old Andrew Carlssin offered the bizarre explanation for his uncanny success in the stock market after being led off in handcuffs on January 28.

"We don't believe this guy's story -- he's either a lunatic or a pathological liar," says an SEC insider.

"But the fact is, with an initial investment of only $800, in two weeks' time he had a portfolio valued at over $350 million. Every trade he made capitalized on unexpected business developments, which simply can't be pure luck.

"The only way he could pull it off is with illegal inside information. He's going to sit in a jail cell on Rikers Island until he agrees to give up his sources."

The past year of nose-diving stock prices has left most investors crying in their beer. So when Carlssin made a flurry of 126 high-risk trades and came out the winner every time, it raised the eyebrows of Wall Street watchdogs.

"If a company's stock rose due to a merger or technological breakthrough that was supposed to be secret, Mr. Carlssin somehow knew about it in advance," says the SEC source close to the hush-hush, ongoing investigation.

When investigators hauled Carlssin in for questioning, they got more than they bargained for: A mind-boggling four-hour confession.

Carlssin declared that he had travelled back in time from over 200 years in the future, when it is common knowledge that our era experienced one of the worst stock plunges in history. Yet anyone armed with knowledge of the handful of stocks destined to go through the roof could make a fortune.

"It was just too tempting to resist," Carlssin allegedly said in his videotaped confession. "I had planned to make it look natural, you know, lose a little here and there so it doesn't look too perfect. But I just got caught in the moment."

In a bid for leniency, Carlssin has reportedly offered to divulge "historical facts" such as the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden and a cure for AIDS.

All he wants is to be allowed to return to the future in his "time craft."

However, he refuses to reveal the location of the machine or discuss how it works, supposedly out of fear the technology could "fall into the wrong hands."

Officials are quite confident the "time-traveller's" claims are bogus. Yet the SEC source admits, "No one can find any record of any Andrew Carlssin existing anywhere before December 2002."

Weekly World News will continue to follow this story as it unfolds. Keep watching for further developments.
 

Regs

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Fasty,

This needs a new thread of it's own to keep a watch on any further developments :D

~Regs.
 

Fastshow

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here boy........

young Jackson KNVB follows his Daddy's lead..........
 

Fastshow

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classic........

Right bed, wrong year
By James Mills, Daily Mail
16 April 2003
Staggering back from the pub after one drink too many, Mark Norley's only wish was collapse into bed.

After negotiating the path to his family home, he let himself in through the unlocked back door and found his way upstairs to the bedroom he had grown up in.

Once there, the 34-year-old research scientist fell into a deep sleep.


But in his desperation to crash out, Mr Norley had forgotten one important detail: his family had moved house seven years ago.

The present owners were alerted to their unexpected guest when Giles Mottram, 18, the bedroom's rightful occupant, returned home at 2am to find the complete stranger in his bed.

Alarmed, he alerted his father, Harry, who thought Mr Norley was a burglar and called the police.

When they arrived, officers checked Mr Norley's wallet and Mr Mottram recognised the name of the former owners.

Mr Mottram said: 'At 2am it didn't register with me who the bloke was, just that there was an intruder in the house.

'We had to phone the police because it could have been anyone.

'When he first woke up he fired out some unsavoury remarks. He was completely out of it and thought it was his room.'

Police escorted Mr Norley to his mother Margaret's house nearby. Mr Norley, who has a PhD in chemistry, cannot remember anything about the incident.

Mrs Norley, 65, said: 'It's quite amusing when you think about it. He was ever so embarrassed the next day.

'I'm just thankful that the police brought him to me instead of arresting him. All I can think of is that he must have had a fair bit to drink. He's usually such a good lad.

'He needs the care of a good woman to put him on the straight and narrow, and then he wouldn't drink so much.'

Mr Norley, who now lives in Bristol, grew up in Old Church Road, Axbridge, Somerset.

'His parents moved to another house in the area seven years
ago. He said: 'I've taken loads of stick about this. I don't know what happened, I just want to forget about it.'

Mr Norley had returned to the area to meet some old acquaintances and arranged to stay with a childhood friend who lives a few doors from his former family home.

But after an evening drinking in the pub, Mr Norley decided to leave early as he planned to go paragliding the following morning. Taking his friend's house keys he set off.

But the combined effect of the alcohol and the nostalgia led him to believe that he still lived at his childhood home.

Mr Mottram said: 'I actually met Mark when we bought the house, but I didn't recognise him straight away.

'I can understand someone doing this kind of thing if they'd moved out of the house a few months ago. . . but seven years!

'It's a strange story - quite funny really, but it could have had a completely different outcome. If I had confronted him walking around the house who knows what would have happened.

'The police said they had simply never heard of anything even remotely similar. It was like a latter-day Goldilocks And The Three Bears.'

A spokesman for Avon and Somerset Police said: 'The man involved is very embarrassed by the incident.

'It was all pretty harmless and at the end of the day was just one of those things. '



 

Keeper

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Bull in a China Shop
By Jaya Narain, Daily Mail
28 May 2003
So the owner of one particular china shop is expecting raised eyebrows from his insurers when he files a claim for thousands of pounds worth of damage caused by a runaway Limousin-Angus cross.

The bull in question created havoc after jumping a six foot fence to make its break for freedom from a nearby livestock market.

The half-ton animal galloped down a busy street then smashed thousands of pounds worth of Worcester, Delft, Royal Doulton and Clarice Cliff china as it charged about the GB Antiques Centre in Lancaster. Christine Knight, 63, needed hospital treatment for a shoulder injury and shock after the bull careered into her.
See the article
 

Fastshow

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frogs..........

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my
operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered,"
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians.
Everything inside them is colour-coded,"
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the
best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction
workers. They always understand when you have a few parts left
over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said
it would."
But the fifth surgeon, Dr. Morris Fishbein, shuts them all
up when he observes: "The French are the easiest to operate
on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls and no spine. Plus
the head and ass are interchangeable."
 

Fastshow

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Donkeys.........


David Blaine has given up his controversial stunt. He was told that 44 days doing nothing in a box is not going to break the record which is currently held by Emile Heskey at 4 years.
 
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