It's Funny cause it's True

Notty

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I think the old thread is closed...so let's start again!!!

You might be from British Columbia if:

1. You know the provincial flower (Mildew)

2. You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.

3. You use the statement "sun break" and know what it means.

4. You know more than 10 ways to order coffee.

5. You know more people who own boats than air conditioners.

6. You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.

7. You stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk" signal.

8. You consider that if it has no snow, it is not a real mountain.

9. You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Blendz, and Tim Horton's.

10. You know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye salmon.

11. You know how to pronounce Squamish, Osoyoos, Haida Gwaii, Skookumchuck & Nanaimo.

12. You consider swimming an indoor sport.

13. You can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese, Korean and Thai food.

14. In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark - while only working eight-hour days.

15. You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.

16. You are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers followed by rain." and "Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers."

17. You cannot wait for a day with "showers and sun breaks".

18. You have no concept of humidity without precipitation.

19. You know that Dawson Creek is a town, not a TV show.

20. You can point to at least two ski mountains, even if you cannot see through the cloud cover.

21. You notice "the mountain is out" when it is a pretty day and you can actually see it.

22. You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 5, but still wear your hiking boots and parka.

23. You switch to your sandals when it gets about 10, but keep the socks on.

24. You have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.

25. You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.

26. You recognize the background shots in your favourite movies & TV shows.

27. You buy new sunglasses every year, because you can't find the old ones after such a long time.

28. You measure distance in hours.

29. You often switch from "heat" to "a/c" in your car in the same day.

30. You use a down comforter in the summer.

31. You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them.

32. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit under a clear plastic raincoat.

33. You know all the important seasons: Winter, Still Raining, Road Construction, Raining Again.

34. A three-laned bridge kinda makes sense to you.

35. You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your friends in British Columbia, or those who used to live here!
 

Spazz

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How about them apples?

ARGH! The file is too big to attach on here so NEVERMIND :mad:

notsofcukinfunnywhenthejokeisnotattached
 

striker14

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Dear John

A young girl on a one year training course in South Africa recently

received a "Dear John" letter from her boyfriend back home.

It read:

Dear Mary,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is
just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry.Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, John

Mary, with hurt feelings, asked her colleagues for any snapshots they could spare of their boyfriends, brothers, ex-boyfriends, uncles, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of John, Mary included all the other pictures of handsome lads she had collected from her buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:

Dear John,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the fcuk you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care,

Mary
 

striker14

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Do I know you?

A man is at the supermarket when he notices that a rather
attractive blonde behind him has just raised her hand and
waved at him.
He is rather taken back that such a looker would be waving
to him and although slightly familiar he can’t place where he might know her from, so he says, "sorry, do I know you?"
She replies “I may be mistaken, but I think you might be
the father of one of my kids!"
His mind shoots back to the one time he has been
unfaithful...

"Holy Christ!" he says "Are you that strip-o-gram on that
stag night that I fcuked on the pool table in front of all my
friends while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet
celery, tied up my balls, and stuck a cucumber up my ass?"

"NO!!!" she replies coldly, "I'm your daughter's English teacher!"
 

Argyle

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A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular
Contractions" to first year medical students.


Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.


He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"


She replied, "He's probably down at the bar with his friends"
 

Argyle

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R-RATED RIDDLES


Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.
Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.
 

Argyle

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A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.
Peter.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any
contact with a penis?"

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one
with the tip of my finger."

St. Peter says, "Ok, dip the TIP OF YOUR FINGER in the Holy Water
and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you
ever had any contact with a penis?"

The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and
stroked one."

St. Peter says "OK, dip your WHOLE HAND in The Holy Water and pass
through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one
girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Madeline! What
seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I
want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."
 

Argyle

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Three Labrador retrievers-one brown, one yellow and one black were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's surgery when they struck up a conversation.

The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?"
The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything-the sofa the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."
The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my
owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too" the dejected yellow lab said.
The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you >here?"
"I'm a humper," the black lab said. I want to hump everything I see.


I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, mailboxes, whatever.

Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help my self. I hopped on her back and started humping away."
The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?"
The black lab replied, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."
 

Argyle

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Hockey Joke That Only a Canadian Could Appreciate.

Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in a park in Toronto, when
one is viciously attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Leafs Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Leafs fan," the little hero replied.
"Sorry, since we are in Toronto, I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again. "Little Jays Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook.
"I'm not a Jays fan either," the boy said.
"I assumed everyone in Toronto was either for the Leafs or Jays fan."What team do you root for?" the reporter asked.
"I'm a Montreal Canadiens fan." the child said.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,

"Little French Bastard from Montreal Kills Beloved Family Pet".

 
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