Joke of the Day

[striker14]

The other night a group of classmates invited me out for a night with the girls. I told my husband that I would be home no later than midnight. Well, the hours passed and the martini's and wine went down much too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up I cuckooed 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told. He didn't seem at all angry. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh shite", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

HA HA HA HA...

 

[crafty cokcney]

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she
decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the
receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam", he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night.
Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like
cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.

"Certainly madam," he replied.

"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist
nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs
please," Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went
up to her room for the night.

The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to
check out. The same guy was still on the desk.

"Morning madam...sleep well?"

"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.

"Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't
think I have had better. Shame about the eggs tho....they really weren't
that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest
Comments Book.

We are always looking to improve our service and would value your
opinion," said the receptionist.

"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a
comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had
written.

"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious"

 

[crafty cokcney]

LITTLE BILLY ON GETTING OLDER

Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one
candy bar after another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him
said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you.
It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107
years old."
"Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy
bars at a time?"
"No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own fu*king
business!!"

LITTLE BILLY ON...PHILOSOPHY
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting
on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little BILLY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first
gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like Your thinking."
Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU. There
are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little BILLY replied, "The correct answer is
'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."

LITTLE BILLY ON... MATH

Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father."
"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied BILLY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fu*king difference?" asks the father?
"That's what I said!"

LITTLE BILLY ON...ENGLISH
Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today
we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an
example of a multi-syllable word?"
BILLY says " Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that's a mouthful."
Little BILLY says,
"No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

 

[Dial 9-1-1]

The other night a group of classmates invited me out for a night with the girls. I told my husband that I would be home no later than midnight. Well, the hours passed and the martini's and wine went down much too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up I cuckooed 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told. He didn't seem at all angry. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh shite", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

HA HA HA HA...

Striker...Is there a punchline?

 

[striker14]

Striker...Is there a punchline?

Are you fcuken kidding me? That is one of the funniest stories/jokes I have come across in a while. I guess you have to be one of those people, which I am, that would do this exact thing in this exact situation!!

You are no fun...

striker14

 

[BlazeArmy]

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy.
Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."
The caddy looks back at him and says: "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."

 

[BlazeArmy]

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

 

[BlazeArmy]

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon quickie. "Don't worry," he assures her, "my wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk." As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop. I forgot to bring birth control!" "No problem," he replies, "I'll get my wife's diaphragm." After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her. I always knew she didn't trust me!"

 

[cside17]

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule as to when they alternate with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two Englishmen are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer, and how her relationship with her mother is improving.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men, after calling them both "bloody wankers".

Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.

The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and set up a distillery. After the first few liters of coconut whiskey they do not remember if sex is in the picture, but they are satisfied that at least the English are not getting any.

 

[BlazeArmy]

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "a code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word "typewriter." One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter." The child told her mom what her dad said and her mother responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy had said. A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

 

[BlazeArmy]

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

That's good

 

[striker14]

Yodeling
Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?
Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland.
Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"
"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."
The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry.." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.
About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"
"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....
"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"

 

[BlazeArmy]

Michael Jackson Jokes. Obviously going to offend some people.

How doe MJ pick his nose?
-With a catalog.

What's the difference between MJ and a grocery bag?
-One's white, made from plastic, and harmful to children, the other you carry your groceries in.

Why did Pepsi fire MJ?
-Coz he was caught sucking on a Squirt!

How do we know MJ is guilty?
-Because he's been fingered by several children.

What is MJ's new book called?
-The Ins & Outs of Child Rearing.

When is it bedtime at Neverland Ranch?
-When the big hand is on the little hand.

Why does MJ want to be a jockey?
-Because he heard they ride 3 year olds.

What's the hardest stain to get out of little boy's underpants?
-MJ's make-up.

 

[BlazeArmy]

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
"What's he like?" asked the cop.
The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big tits."

 

[BlazeArmy]

Al and Joe are bungee-jumping one day. Al says to Joe, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico." Joe thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money together and buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. Then they travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble around them. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration. So Al jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up Joe notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Joe isn't able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again Joe misses him. Al falls again and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up‹he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Joe finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" Barely able to speak, Al gasps, "No, the bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd. What the hell is a piñata?"

 

[sid]

What has hit more balls than Tiger woods??

Robin reigners chin

sid

 

[BlazeArmy]

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There is more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"
Now befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple.
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright,
and the Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."

 

[BlazeArmy]

A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both of them unwilling to admit they might be in error. "I'll admit I'm wrong," the wife told her husband in a conciliatory attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right." He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first. "I'm wrong," she said. With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, "You're right

 

[striker14]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike,
" My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."


"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike

replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart.

Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you

what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. It's a lot cheaper

than a doctor."

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it

to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks

for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and

waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and

avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new

technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer

could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool
sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and

daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.

He depositsten dollars, pours in his concoction and awaits

the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant with twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5 If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.


Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

 

[cside17]

Canada's Immigration policy in action.

A Kosovar arrives in Montreal. All excited, he stops
the first person he meets.

"Good day, Mr. Canadian, Thank you to accept me
in your nice country, and....

The person interrupts and says: "I am not Canadian,
I'm Moroccan".

The Kosovar continues on his way and meets
another passer-by:

"Thank you, Mr. Canadian, for to let my family
and me stay here..."

Again, he is interrupted before finishing his sentence:
"I no be Canadian, I be Turk!"

The Kosovar continues on his way and meets
another passer-by:

"Mr. Canadian, me thank you for hospitality you give..."

"But, my friend, don't you see that I am black?
I am Congolese, not Canadian."

"But", answers the Kosovar distressed , "where are
the Canadians??"

The Congolese looking at his watch says: "Oh, they'll
be at work 'til five o'clock."







Pls note; The above is not intended to offend any one, race or color!


Has anyone else noticed the site being real slow lateley, performance wise?