Priorities

Dude

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The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs by his side.
She questioned, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He replied, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"
 

5bigtoes

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For the married Fellows on TTP

A man and woman are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the lady stops and says, I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.

The guy says "WHAT?? "

The lady explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. Then he realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the man takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits.

She can't decide. He tells his woman to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each, then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The lady is so excited. She thinks her guy has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. He says "you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it. "

The woman is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."

The man stops and says, " No, I don't feel like buying all this stuff
now." The woman's face goes blank.

He Continues- " I just wanted you to HOLD this stuff for a while. "

The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode. The guy says, "You need to be in tune with my financial needs as a Man".
 

Demolition

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Barbeque sized butt

Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks
over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean
really big!
I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill
and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his
wife's bottom.
"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!!"


The wife chooses to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, Ted is
feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who
completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass
grill for one little weenie?"
 

Fastshow

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tight-fisted chicken thieves....

> An elderly man in Adelaide calls his son in Sydney and says, "I hate to
> > ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are
> divorcing;
> > forty-five years of misery is enough."
> >
> > "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
> >
> > "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.
> >
> > "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you
call
>
> > your sister in Brisbane and tell her," and he hangs up.
> >
> > Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
> >
> > "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of
> this."
> >
> > She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT
> > getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling
> my
> > brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a
> > thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
> >
> > The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
> >
> > "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Christmas and paying their own
> > airfares."
> >
> >
>

 

Demolition

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20 Years of Marriage

A woman awakes during the night ! to find that her husband is
not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She
finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of
him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches
as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room.
"Why are you down here at this time of night?". The husband looks up
from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you
were only 16?" he asks >solemnly. "Yes I do" she replies. The husband
pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father
caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
him. The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the
shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you
to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten
out today."
 

Fastshow

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.....

> > There was this couple that had been married for 20
> > > > years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted
> > > on
> > > > shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the
> > > > wife felt this was ridiculous.
> > > >
> > > > She figured she would break him out of
> > > > this crazy habit.
> > > >
> > > > So one night, while they were in the middle of a
> > > > wild, screaming, romantic
> > > > session, she turned on the lights.
> > > >
> > > > She looked down ... and saw her husband was holding a
> > > > battery operated pleasure device... a vibrator ... soft,
> > > > wonderful and larger than a real
> > > > one. She goes completely ballistic. "You
> > > > impotent bastard," she screamed at
> > > > him, "how could you be lying to me all of
> > > > these years? You better explain
> > > > yourself!" He looks her straight in
> > > > the eyes and says calmly:
> > > >
> > > > "I'll explain the toy... if you explain the kids
 

Fastshow

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............

Marriage (Part I)

A husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast
table.

The husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed
either," and storms out of the house.

After sometime he realises he was nasty and decides to make amends and
rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband
says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this late, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"
--------------------

Marriage (Part II)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so
proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of
her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home
and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?'"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right
back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!'"

 

Regs

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Crutches

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after
several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches in length. Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems
dressing and even walking, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be corrected through corrective surgery.

"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you?"
 

Dude

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A matter of life or death

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his
checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said,
"Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with
horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely
die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure
he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take
to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't
burden him with chores, as this could further his stress.
"Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress
worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by being pleasant and
giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team
sporting event on television.
"And, most importantly satisfy his sexual desires. If you can do this
for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his
health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
She replied, "You're going to die."
 

SC

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who wears the pants in your relationship?

A lesson for JackJack was going to be married to Jill, so
his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. He
says "Let me tell you something. On my wedding night in
them to your mother, and said, "Here honey, try these on." She did and said, "Well sweetie, they're a little too
big, I can't wear them."

I replied, "Exactly. I wear the
pants in this family and I always will". Ever since
that night we have never had any problems.

"Hmmm", says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing
to try.

On his honeymoon Jack takes off his pants and says to
Jill, "Here babe, try these on." She does and says,
"These are too large, they don't fit me." Jack says, "...Exactly. I wear the pants in this familyand I always will and I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and
says, "Here, you try on mine." He does and says, "I
can't even get into your pants." Jill says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your fcuking attitude, you never will."
 

Fastshow

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coffin dodging...

> > > > An old man marries a young woman and they are deeply in love.
> > > However,
> > >
> > > > no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never
> > >
> > > > achieves orgasm so they decide to ask a sex therapist for advice.
> > >
> > > >
> > >
> > > > The therapist listens to their story and makes the following
> > >
> > > > suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man
> > >
> > > > and while the two of you are making love have the young man wave a
> > >
> > > > towel over you, as though he is
> > >
> > > > fanning you both. Make sure he is totally naked and she can see
> > > his
> > >
> > > > manhood as he fans you both with
> > >
> > > > the towel. That will help your wife fantasise, and should bring on
> > > a
> > >
> > > > full-blown orgasm."
> > >
> > > > They go home and follow the therapist's advice. They hire a
> > > handsome
> > >
> > > > young man and he strips off and
> > >
> > > > enthusiastically waves a towel over them both as they make love.
> > > But it
> > >
> > > > doesn't help and still the wife is unsatisfied and frustrated.
> > >
> > > > Perplexed, they go back to the therapist. "Okay", he says, "let's
> > > try
> > >
> > > > it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you
> > > wave the
> > >
> > > > towel over them."
> > >
> > > > Once again, they follow the advice. The young man gets into bed
> > > with
> > >
> > > > the wife and the husband waves the towel. The hired hand really
> > >
> > > > works with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous,
> > >
> > > > room-shaking, screaming, creaming orgasm
> > >
> > > >
> > >
> > > > Smiling, the husband drops the towel, taps the young man on the
> > >
> > > > shoulder and says to him, triumphantly: "THAT'S how you
> > >
> > > > wave a f*cking towel, sonny!!!!!
 
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