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Test Matches 2004

Fastshow

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Long-winded? Cheers for that, I've been working slavishly on my stamina so I'll take that, in the manner it was intended I'm sure, as a compliment. I'm up to four minutes at two miles an hour on the treadmill and I can boast that I can now go for 18 seconds between the sheets. Now all I have to do is coerce the missus to come into bed with me. Fcuking slag's up in Edinburgh on a hen weekend isn't she, getting felt up by loads of lecherous sweaties. Good job I trust her implicitely. It's ever so quiet without her around.

It's fcuking lovely.

Did you know that, in German, windshield wipers are known as Der flippenflappenmuchken Schpredden sticken, a breathalyser is die Puffinten fur Pistenarsen and, most interestingly, seat belts are commonly referred to as der klunken-klikker Frauleintrapper?

My teutonic penfriends tell me (I find their addresses in the back pages of computing magazines) that the hood of a car is known as Pullnob und Knuckle-chopper.

I can get you gear that will, should you wish to smoke it like a Camberwell carrot, enable you to stagger down Kits beach and see enormous crickets with the fittest birds you've ever seen wrapped in their spindly legs. Just let me know and I'll send you some by way of KNVB's gaff.

To bastardise the words of the late twentieth century philosopher, David Gray, please forgive me. I meant no offence in suggesting two wimmin might be greedy, salad dodging fatties. I've never set eyes on either of them. Plus, how was I to know you were shagging one of them? Fat girls are usually bloody good shags, just don't let your mates find out. Whoops, too late.

Can't wait for the resumption of the Test Match tomorrow.

 

Fastshow

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Not a great deal of sleep this weekend due to a smorgasbord of sport and Saint finding an offy selling bottles of lager for .49p each. Then he discovered a corner shop flogging six limes for £1. Brilliant detective work.

England knocking the Icelandic types for six, Ireland stuffing the Dutch, Calgary making me stay up until 5 bells only to shite it in double OT, Ernie Els in a golfing masterclass, Gaudio beating Coria in the oddest tennis Grand Slam Final I've ever seen and, last but not least, England putting in a great innings at bat against the Kiwis.

Can't wait to get caught up on my kip tomorrow in the office.


Second npower Test Match
Headingley
New Zealand*409 (S Fleming*97, M Papps 86, B McCullum 54, S Harmison 4-74*) v England*526 (M Trescothick 132, G Jones 100, A Flintoff 94,*A Strauss 62)

England lead New Zealand by 117 on first innings totals after Geraint Jones made his maiden Test century to carry England to 526 all out on the fourth afternoon at Headingley.

Jones had joined Flintoff (94)*just before lunch and took over the mantle as aggressor as he went for his shots in a sparkling partnership of 118.

All-rounder Flintoff steadily made his way towards a fourth Test ton but after hammering Styris for a 12th boundary went for one shot too many, mistiming a drive to Chris Martin at mid-off, who took a simple catch.

Flintoff had made the most of some wayward bowling to put on 99 with Graham Thorpe as the hosts scored 104 trouble-free runs in the morning session on day four.

The only wicket to fall was that of Thorpe (34) 15 minutes before the interval, when Martin bowled a ball of full length to get through the left-hander's defences.

It was surprise as much as anything that beat the Surrey southpaw, as Martin had bowled particularly tamely with balls both old and new, Flintoff making the most of overpitched and short*deliveries to reach his fifty with seven fours and a six.

Despite a pitch showing signs of inconsistent bounce, the Kiwi bowlers showed little appetite for a fight with Scott Styris, Chris Cairns and Daryl Tuffey missing the spot in equal measure.

Captain Fleming then suffered more woe when spinner Dan Vettori limped off with hamstring trouble halfway through the afternoon, and Jones continued to plunder a tiring attack.

He hit 13 fours and a six as he went into tea unbeaten on 91, having faced just 126 balls,*with Matthew Hoggard for company.

And he didn't take long in reaching the landmark, glancing a boundary straight after the interval before pulling Tuffey to the fence in fine style. A single followed to bring jubilant scenes from the emotional wicket-keeper.

Ashley Giles made a handy 21 from 19 balls before edging Martin to Fleming at slip and*they were all vital runs, but after Jones cut Cairns to Fleming in the*gully without adding to his score, the tail capitulated.

Mark Saggers spooned a low full toss to mid-off from his second delivery before Hoggard edged Tuffey to Brendon McCullum moments later.

Teams:

England: Michael Vaughan (captain), Marcus Trescothick, Andrew Strauss, Mark Butcher, Graham Thorpe, Andrew Flintoff, Geraint Jones (wicketkeeper), Ashley Giles, Matthew Hoggard, Steve Harmison, Martin Saggers.

New Zealand: Stephen Fleming (captain), Michael Papps, Mark Richardson, Nathan Astle, Scott Styris, Jacob Oram, Brendon McCullum (wicketkeeper), Daniel Vettori, Chris Cairns, Chris Martin, Daryl Tuffey.
 

Dapotayto

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Fastshow said:

Did you know that, in German, windshield wipers are known as Der flippenflappenmuchken Schpredden sticken, a breathalyser is die Puffinten fur Pistenarsen and, most interestingly, seat belts are commonly referred to as der klunken-klikker Frauleintrapper?

My teutonic penfriends tell me (I find their addresses in the back pages of computing magazines) that the hood of a car is known as Pullnob und Knuckle-chopper

You're full of shite with your German words. Everyone knows the krauts don't have a sense of humour. But just in case you're not, here's a test question: What is the German word for vibrator?
 

Fastshow

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A test question in the Test Match thread, eh? Clever, I see what you've done with that. The reply will have to wait though as first and without further ado, I'll give you the report you've been waiting for.


England completed an emphatic nine wickets victory over New Zealand before lunch at Headingley on Monday to continue their winning sequence and wrap up the npower series with a Test to spare.

Having dismissed the tourists for a lowly 161 this morning, wrapping up the innings in only 49 balls, England needed only eight overs to clinch the triumph and reach their victory target of 45 for one.

Resuming the day 15 runs adrift on 102 for five with Michael Papps suffering with a broken knuckle and Daniel Vettori ruled out of batting because of a torn hamstring, New Zealand's best hopes of putting pressure on England was to frustrate their attack at the start of the day.

But instead they lasted just 11 legitimate deliveries before losing Scott Styris and apart from a hard-hitting unbeaten 36 off only 31 balls, which included two sixes and three fours, offered little resistance to the aggressive bowling of Matthew Hoggard and Steve Harmison this morning.

Styris had progressed to a determined 19 when Hoggard found the right Headingley length and induced an edge behind for wicketkeeper Geraint Jones, still buzzing from his century the previous day, to take a diving catch in front of first slip to earn England's first breakthrough.

Hoggard's next wicket, taking him to within one of 100 Test victims, was perhaps the key breakthrough of the morning for England as it removed the dangerous strokeplay of Chris Cairns, a player always capable of hammering a quickfire 80.

He had already demonstrated the threat he can pose by launching Hoggard over long on for six but only two balls later he was outwitted by a fuller length delivery and given leg before for 10.

England sensed victory was in their sights as the injured Papps made his way to the crease and he lasted only two overs before being unsettled by a Harmison short delivery which he fended to captain Michael Vaughan at silly point.

As if to underline New Zealand's desperate situation, their innings was completed when last man Chris Martin, on leave from his duties as Coldplay frontman and sackless get what married that Paltrow bint, was run out by man of the moment Jones attempting a quick single to leave England with a simple task for victory.

Even the loss of Andrew Strauss in the fifth over of their reply - the first time in his brief Test career he has not reached a half-century - after he edged Daryl Tuffey to Nathan Astle at third slip could not halt England's momentum.

But Trescothick, confidence brimming from his brilliant first innings 132, was not to be halted in England's victory chase and finished unbeaten on 26, completing the victory by pulling Tuffey for his fifth boundary.

My teutonic penfriends have told me that there are a couple square-headed words for 'vibrator'. A little-used expression is Fraulein DIYwöbbler Fischgerichte but, according to my sources, the most commonly used German word for vibrator (and, incidentally, vibrators are hugely popular in the country which provided us with Hitler, The Scorpions, and David Hasselhoff. 99.87% of all German women claim to use vibrators on a regular basis once they can wrestle them from their husbands/boyfriends. And who can blame them, have you seen Rudi Voller, German pin-up?) is, and I'm unsure how one would pronounce this, other than brrrrrrrrr, is und Dæzzä.

I'm off to toast England's latest Test Match win with a pint of Carling top and a packet of pork scratchings, staple diet of the England cricket side......
 

girth

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Ya know I've never actually read one of fastshows posts as they are all 400 words long.No offence fastshow but from what I see you like to type and are some what intelligent but just maybe try and cut down from the novel like posts that's all.I'm dying to read what you have to say but I've only got a 15 minute coffee break from work can you paraphrase? ;)
 

Dapotayto

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Fastshow,

It seems you have explaining to do. I went to play the newly installed cricket game in the arcade armed with my new knowledge and ready to kick some serious ass. But not only were their no fcuking pies but there sure were a lot of goddamn badgers. What the fcuk, over.
 

Fastshow

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The girth, no offence taken. My posts are some what long. This is because what I have to say is some what more important than everyone else on TTP. No offence to them. Ask The Rob for the Cole's Notes versions, he keeps them under his pillow.

Get a unionised job. This will enable you to enjoy a longer coffee break and, literally and some what figuratively, take the piss and be offencive.

Dapotayto, it's Brian Lara's Cricket, not Lara Croft's Cricket. A simple mistake to make.

Now all you need to do is imagine that there are no pies.....

I love to type.
 

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