Things Women would never say

[BlazeArmy]

30 things you'll never hear a woman say:

1. You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you
for ignoring me.

2. The new girl in my office is a real beauty, and a stripper, too.
I invited her over for dinner on Friday.

3. Honey, did you leave that skid in the toilet bowl? Good one!

4. While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down
and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.

5. Bar food again!? Kick ass!

6. I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has
class.

7. That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go
over and talk to her.

8. Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't have
to mess with it anymore.

9. I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want 'em?

10. It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more
pitchers.

11. Honey, come here! Watch me do a Tequila Shot off of
Stephanie's bare ass.

12. My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another
round for you and your friends.

13. I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change
it again.

14. Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and beer.
You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya' big silly!

15. You are so much smarter than my father.

16. If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch
football.

17. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?

18. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

19. You're so sexy when you're hung over.

20. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go
shopping.

21. Let's subscribe to Hustler.

22. I'll be out painting the house.

23. I love it when you ride your Harley, I just wish you had more
time to ride.

24. Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!

25. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.

26. Your mother is way better than mine.

27. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and buy
yourself something.

28. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you
retire?

29. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the
night feedings.

30. Look! My ass is fatter than yours.

 

[BlazeArmy]

Womens embarrassing moments

Women's Embarrassing Moments....

Curl Up and Die
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
asked
loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
Melinda Lowe,
39, Seguin, TX

Notes
An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage
insurance. He
was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to
follow as
best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He
came
back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest.
Kathy Newman,
46,Winston-Salem, NC

Ho, Ho, Ho
I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom
and
wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked
adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out
so
well that I
had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards.
Days
later,
a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and
suggesting
I
take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to
discover that in addition to my son, I had
captured my reflection in the mirror - wearing nothing but a camera!
Name Withheld

Lady Golfer
I was at the golf store comparing different knds of golf balls. I was
unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for
several minutes, I was approached by one of the
good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could
help
me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think
I like playing with men's balls."
Colleen Collins,
31, Ferndale, MI

Nuts about You
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
variety
of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the
counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking
at
your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy
grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister
has
never let me forget.
Faye Emerick,
34, Ellerslie, MD

Na-na na-na na-nah!
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler
decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally
able to
grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from
other
patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she
would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said
in a
voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will
tell
Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The
silence
was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the
tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my
daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me
were
screams of laughter.
Amy Richardson;
Stafford, Virginia


Priceless
One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon
in
a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a
discount
store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of
her
items had no price tag. Imagine her
embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for
all
the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER
SIZE."
That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently
the
misunderstood word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone,
a
voice boomed back over the intercom.
"DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU
POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

Mom's Advice
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was
squirming
around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back
to
find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered
that
he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The
teacher
told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to
phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and
returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back
of the
room. She went back to investigate
only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I
thought
I told you to call your mom." she screamed. "I did," he said, "And
she
told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me
up
from school."