Viz Top Tips
> >
> > If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug
> > of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is
> > almost instantly removed.
> >
> > Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply
> > strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as
> to
> > your allegiance.
> >
> > Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
> > someone else to hold them while you chop away.
> >
> > Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding
> > at people as they walk up the aisle.
> >
> > Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
> > chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in
> > the first place, you fat bastards.
> >
> > Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following
> > morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble
> full
> > of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
> >
> > Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by
> > pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
> >
> > Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home
> > by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
> > urinating into it, before jumping in.
> >
> > Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in
> > a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the
> > fence.
> >
> > Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and
> > slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
> >
> > X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking
> > two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the
> > following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
> >
> > Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to
> > the object you wish to view.
> >
> > Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
> > fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
> >
> > Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction
> of
> > oncoming traffic.
> >
> > Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
> >
> > Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating
> > cakes again.
> >
> > A next-door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal
> > coat hanger in an emergency.
> >
> > Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
> imprisonment
> > or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended
> > destination in the first place.
> >
> > An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive
> > vibrator.
> >
> > Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic
> > steroids by running a bit slower. - B. Johnson, Canada
> >
> > Manchester United fans. Avoid an asymmetrical bulge in your right arm
> > by masturbating furiously with your left arm too.
> >
> > Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply
> > pissing in the sink.
> >
> > Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by
> > buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.
> >
> > Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next
> > fag from the butt of your last one.
> >
> > Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or
> > veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute
> > etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.
> >
> > Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt
> > be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about
> > yours, and ask for a nice steak.
> >
> > Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your
> > missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the
> > wrong name.See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.
> >
> > Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always
> > circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from
> > the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check
> > that it has gone.
> >
> > Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of
> > cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.
> >
> > High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a
> > while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins
> >
> > Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your
> > cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough o
> > insulate your loft.
> >
> > Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen,
> > sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and
> > driving the wrong way up one way streets
> >
> > Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your
> > chin in a bowl of iron fillings.
> >
> > Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by
> > ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a JCB
> > digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights
> in
> > your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy
> of
> > the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!
> >
> > Have all your shits at work. Not only will you save money on toilet
> > paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it
> >
> > Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your
> > car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars
> > anyway, so it may as well look like one.
> >
> > A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you
> > from rolling over and going back to sleep.
> >
> > If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug
> > of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is
> > almost instantly removed.
> >
> > Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply
> > strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as
> to
> > your allegiance.
> >
> > Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
> > someone else to hold them while you chop away.
> >
> > Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding
> > at people as they walk up the aisle.
> >
> > Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
> > chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in
> > the first place, you fat bastards.
> >
> > Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following
> > morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble
> full
> > of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
> >
> > Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by
> > pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
> >
> > Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home
> > by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
> > urinating into it, before jumping in.
> >
> > Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in
> > a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the
> > fence.
> >
> > Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and
> > slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
> >
> > X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking
> > two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the
> > following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
> >
> > Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to
> > the object you wish to view.
> >
> > Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
> > fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
> >
> > Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction
> of
> > oncoming traffic.
> >
> > Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
> >
> > Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating
> > cakes again.
> >
> > A next-door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal
> > coat hanger in an emergency.
> >
> > Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
> imprisonment
> > or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended
> > destination in the first place.
> >
> > An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive
> > vibrator.
> >
> > Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic
> > steroids by running a bit slower. - B. Johnson, Canada
> >
> > Manchester United fans. Avoid an asymmetrical bulge in your right arm
> > by masturbating furiously with your left arm too.
> >
> > Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply
> > pissing in the sink.
> >
> > Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by
> > buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.
> >
> > Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next
> > fag from the butt of your last one.
> >
> > Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or
> > veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute
> > etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.
> >
> > Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt
> > be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about
> > yours, and ask for a nice steak.
> >
> > Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your
> > missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the
> > wrong name.See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.
> >
> > Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always
> > circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from
> > the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check
> > that it has gone.
> >
> > Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of
> > cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.
> >
> > High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a
> > while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins
> >
> > Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your
> > cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough o
> > insulate your loft.
> >
> > Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen,
> > sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and
> > driving the wrong way up one way streets
> >
> > Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your
> > chin in a bowl of iron fillings.
> >
> > Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by
> > ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a JCB
> > digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights
> in
> > your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy
> of
> > the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!
> >
> > Have all your shits at work. Not only will you save money on toilet
> > paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it
> >
> > Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your
> > car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars
> > anyway, so it may as well look like one.
> >
> > A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you
> > from rolling over and going back to sleep.
