2003 - How Many Are True?

[Regs]

You know you are living in the year 2003 when:

1. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is because
they do not have e-mail.

2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of
three.

3. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your
newborn so she can create a screen saver.

4. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to
see if anyone is home.

5. Every commercial on television has a web site address at the
bottom of the screen.

6. You buy a computer and 3 months later it's out of date and
sells for half the price you paid.

7. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't
have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause
for panic and you turn around to go get it.

8. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a
purchase would be a hassle and take planning.

9. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

10. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow

11. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

12. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it
notes.

13. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

14. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.

15. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling,
as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

16. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your
coffee.

17. You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom and check your
E-mail on your way back to bed.

18. You start tilting your head sideways to smile

19. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

20. Even worse; you know exactly who you are going to forward
this to...

 

[Fastshow]

true dat.....



> 50 THINGS WOMEN CAN'T DO
>
> 01. know anything about a car except its colour
> 02. understand a film plot
> 03. go 24 hours without sending a text message
> 04. lift
> 05. throw
> 06. run
> 07. park
> 08. fart
> 09. read a map
> 10. rob a bank
> 11. resist Ikea
> 12. sit still
> 13. tell a joke
> 14. play pool
> 15. pay for dinner
> 16. eat a kebab whilst walking
> 17. pee out of a train window
> 18. argue without shouting
> 19. get told off without crying
> 20. understand fruit machines
> 21. walk past a shoe shop
> 22. make a decent bacon sandwich
> 23. not comment on a strangers clothes
> 24. use small amounts of toilet paper
> 25. let you sleep with a hangover
> 26. drink a pint gracefully
> 27. get a round in
> 28. throw a punch
> 29. do magic
> 30. like your friends
> 31. enjoy porn
> 32. eat a really hot curry
> 33. get to the point
> 34. buy plain envelopes
> 35. take less than 20 minutes in the toilet
> 36. sit in a room for five minutes without saying "I'm cold"
> 37. go shopping without telephoning 20 mates
> 38. avoid credit card debt
> 39. dive into a pool
> 40. assemble furniture
> 41. roll a bogey between finger and thumb
> 42. set a video recorder
> 43. not try and change you
> 44. watch a war film
> 45. understand why flirting results in violence
> 46. spend a day by themselves
> 47. go to the toilet by themselves
> 48. buy a purse that fits in their pocket
> 49. choose a video quickly
> 50. get this far without having argued with at least 1 of the above

 

[Panties]

sit in a room for 5 minutes without saying "I'm cold"

that was just worth repeating

 

[Fastshow]

:

Commandments for men
>
>
> 1. Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
>
>2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
>
>3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following Circumstances:
>
>a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
>
>b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
>
>c. After wrecking your boss' car.
>
>d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
>
>e. When she is using her teeth.
>
>4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
>
>5. If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
>
>6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is
>
>forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
>
>7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man in fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.
>
>8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
>
>9. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
>
>10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
>
>11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.
>
>12. Only in situations of Moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.
>
>13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
>
>14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
>
>15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see
anything.
>
>16. Women who claim the "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
>
>17. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
>
>18. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
>
>19. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both - that's just mean.
>
>20. If you complement a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
>
>21. Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a Mate of yours,
except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
>
22. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
>
>a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
>
>b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
>
>c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
>
>23. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
>
>24. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; Hang up if necessary.
>
>25. You cannot grass on a colleague who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loud speaker every seven minutes.
>
>26. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend "have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
>
>27. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable
for her to drive yours.
>
>28. Thou shalt not buy a car with an engine capacity of less than 1.5 litres. Thou shall not really buy a car with less than 2 litres, 16 valves, and a turbo.
>
>29. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime
green, orange or sky blue.
>
>30. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?" with "If you loved me , you'd know what I want!" gets a Playstation 2. End of story.

 

[Fastshow]

Top Tens.......



TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING DUTCH :
1. You can get arrested for growing plants, but not for smoking them.
2. You can make jokes about the Belgians and still drink their beer.
3 a. You can legally kill yourself
b. You can legally be killed
4. You're exactly like the Germans, except that nobody hates you.
5. You think you are a world power, but everyone else thinks Copenhagen is your capital.....
6. You get to insult people and defend yourself by saying it's a national tradition.
7. You can put your finger in a dyke and it will save your country
8. You live in the most densely populated country in Europe, and still you've never seen your neighbours
9. If the economy is bad, blame the Germans. If a war is started, blame the Germans. If you lose your keys, blame the Germans.
10. Bikes are public property. Locks are a challenge.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING BELGIAN :
1. You get to speak three languages, but none of them intelligibly.
2. If other countries want to fight a war, they will do it in your country.
3. You can brew drinks out of fruit, and still call it beer.
4. You are either
a. like the Dutch, just less efficient
b. like the French, just less romantic
c. like the Germans
5. Decent fries . Real mayonnaise. Great chocolate. The best beer.
6. No one knows anything about you, except for the Dutch and French and they make fun of you.
7. More scandals in a week than any other country in a decade.
8. You can drive like a maniac on the road and nobody cares
9. All your famous countrymen are either imaginary, or sex-offenders
10. Face it. It's not really a country, is it?

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH :
1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
2. Experience the joy of winning the World Cup for the first time
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs.
4. If there's a war you can surrender really early.
5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on the 'alternative' films channel.
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries.
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride.
9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just piss in the street.
10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN :
1. You can have a woman president without electing her.
2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it.
3. You can call Budweiser beer.
4. You can be a crook and still be president.
5. If you've got enough money you can get el! ected to do anything.
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun.
7. You get to be really obese.
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy".
10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH:
1. Two World Wars and One World Cup.
2. Ale.
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.
5. Union Jack/George's Cross underpants.
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8. Bathing once a week - whether you need to or not.
9. Ditto changing underwear.
10. Beats being Welsh.

10 REASONS FOR BEING SCOTTISH:
1. Yoo arnae Sassenach (English) !
2. Yoo arnae English!
3. Yoo arnae English!
4. Yoo arnae English!
5. Yoo arnae English!
6. Yoo arnae English!
7. Yoo arnae English!
8. Yoo arnae English!
9. Yoo arnae English!
10. Yoo arnae English!


TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN:
1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns.
4. Glorious military history prior to 400BC.
5. Can wear sunglasses inside and at night.
6. Political stability.
7. Flexible working hours.
8. Live near the Pope.
9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair.
10. Country run by Sicilian murderers.


TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

OK, let's give them a second chance:
1. Oktoberfest.
2. Okotberfest-beer.
3. BMW.
4. VW.
5. Audi.
6. On a motorway you can travel at a speed that would bring you to jail in any other country of the world.
7. You do not have to learn German as a foreign language.
8. You think Sauerkraut is delicious.
9.Contrary to common belief laughing is not forbidden by law (yet).
10. No, there are not 10 reasons.


TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN:
1. Chicken Madras.
2. Lamb Passanda.
3. Onion Bhaji.
4. Bombay Potato.
5. Chicken Tikka Masala.
6. Rogan Josh.
7. Popadoms.
8. Chicken Dopiaza.
9. Kingfisher lager.
10. Aggravate everyone else by shaking your head when talking.


TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH:
1. Guinness.
2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives.
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road.
4. Pubs never close.
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on.
6. No one can ever remember the night before.
7. Kill people you don't agree with.
8. Stew.
9. You can emigrate just so you can tell everyone abroad how good Ireland is.
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence.

 

[BlazeArmy]

Fasty=Genius!!!

 

[knvb]

beacuse it's like he made this up.


I blame the Germans.

 

[Fastshow]

more from TTP's resident genius.........

Subject: Cow Economics


TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.You sell one and buy a bull.Your herd multiplies,and the economy grows.You sell the herd and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.You are surprised when
the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.You go on strike because you want
three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows. You re-design them so they are
one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk. You then create irritating cow
cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them
world-wide at a fantastic profit.

A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live
for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

ENGLISH CORPORATION

You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You count them and learn you have
five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42
cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You
charge others for storing them.

A HINDU CORPORATION

You have two cows. You worship them.

CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity,
and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

A WELSH CORPORATION

You have two cows. The younger one is rather attractive

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

Western suburbs style. You have 2 stolen bulls but
think they are cows You die the first time you try and
milk them.

AN IRISH CORPORATION

Who cares, The EU Really owns them now and the pub is
still serving

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows. You don't know what they are used
for as they aren't sheep.

 

[willis316]

Here is something to think about

TWO TOUGH QUESTIONS:

Question 1:

If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who already had 8 kids three who were
deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphillis,
would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Read the next question before scrolling down to the answer of this
one.

Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and your vote counts. Here
are the facts about the three Leading candidates:

Candidate A: Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with
astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to
10 Martinis a day.

Candidate B: He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon,
used opium in college and drinks a quart of whisky every evening.

Candidate C: He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't
smoke,drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any extramarital affairs.

Which of these candidates would be your choice?

Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer. .




Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt

Candidate B is Winston Churchill

Candidate C is Adolph Hitler .

And by the way:

The answer to the abortion question: if you said yes, you just
killed Beethoven.