Morons

[Regs]

A first grad teacher explains to her class that she is an American.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too.

Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.

There is however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. ‘’Because I am not an American.’’

Then, asks the teacher, ‘’what are you?’’

‘’I’m a proud Canadian,’’ boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red.

She asks Kirsten why she is a Canadian.

‘’Well my mom and dad are Canadians, so I’m a Canadian too’’

The teacher is now angry, ‘’ that’s no reason,’ she says loudly.

What if your mom was a moron. What would you be then?

A pause, and a smile,’ Then,’’ says Kirsten, ‘’I’d be an American.’’

 

[Webster]

You've hit the nail on the head with that one.

My missus has spent the last six years working the cruise ship terminal here in Vancouver as a liason for the major hotels in the area. As one might expect the majority of the vacationers are American or from Europe. Some of the stories I've heard over the years are absolutely ridiculous. For example:

One couple from Texas who were staying at the Pan Pacific had been out shoppin for the day and when asked how there day went replied " nobody would take our money and said that it was no good except at the banks". They couldn't understand why in British Columbia we didn't use British Pounds as our currency.

JACKASSES

 

[The Teacher]

More dumbass americans...

I worked in a hotel for a while which gave me ample opportunity to experience the intelligence (or lack thereof) of our american neighbours.

More than once - a couple, or even people on their own would be looking at items on the menu and politely ask "are these prices in canadian or american dollars?"

Cannot ever forget this one - an older lady in the gift shop just browsing to pass time, until she becomes quite fixated upon a 9 inch canadian flag.
"This is really nice" she exclaims as she picks it up and fingers the material.
"You're right" I say, feeling a sense of pride "it is a nice one, isn't it"
"Absolutely" she says and brings it up to me "does it come in blue?"

 

[Webster]

Dumb Yankees

Another short example of the depths of stupidity:

A couple gets to the hotel in Vancouver after arriving from California where they reside. Wanting to call home to say they had arrived they asked a hotel employee what the time difference was so they didn't wake up their relatives?????!!!!!!!

IDIOTS!!!!!

 

[Fastshow]

you can see it coming..........

A lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys on board, bound for Chester Zoo. They need to be delivered by 9:00 am and the
driver fears he will get the sack if they don't get there on
time. He decides to try and thumb a lift for his monkeys and eventually an Irish lorry driver pulls over.

"Where they going?" asks the Captain Shamrock.

"Do us a favour mate and take these to Chester Zoo for
me" says the driver, "and here's a hundred quid for your troubles."

"Happy days," says the Captain, loads the monkeys
onto his truck and gets on his way.

The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for a good few hours when he notices Captain Shamrock coming back down the motorway, still with all the chimps on board. Panicking, he flags him down again.

"What are you playing at," he fumes, "I told you to take them to
Chester Zoo!"

"I did," says the bemused Captain, " ... but there is still fifty
quid left so now we're going to Alton Towers."

 

[number2]

The alltime classic for me was during expo86. Americans asking if our money was good "off site" as well.

I'm sure there are hundreds more of them out there.

 

[number2]

It all starts at the top!

 

[Fastshow]

guffaw........

Buckfast and Guinness are walking down the street and Buckfast has got his eye on one of Guinnesses's's's's doughnuts. So, being a bit of a pushy cnut, Buckfast asks if he can have a doughnut. To this Guinness replies, 'If you can guess how many are in the bag I'll give you both of them'.............

 

[Fastshow]

..............



APPLICATION FOR A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Name of Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:

I request permission for a leave of absence from the highest authority in my life for the following period:
Time of return
Date: Time of departure: NOT to exceed:

Should permission be granted, I do solemnly swear to only visit the locations stated below, at the stated times. I agree to refrain from hitting on or flirting with other women. I shall not even speak to another female, except as expressly permitted in writing below. I will not turn off my mobile after two pints, nor shall I consume above the allowed volume of alcohol without first phoning for a taxi AND calling you for a verbal waiver of said alcohol allowance. I understand that even if permission is granted to go out, my girlfriend/fiancé/wife retains the right to be pissed off with me the following week for no valid reason whatsoever.


Amount of alcohol allowed (units) Beer Wine Liquor Total

Locations to be visited



Females with whom conversation
is permitted

IMPORTANT – STRIPPER CLAUSE: Notwithstanding the female contact permitted above, I promise to refrain from coming within one hundred (100) feet of a stripper or exotic dancer. Violation of this Stripper Clause shall be grounds for immediate termination of the relationship.

I acknowledge my position in life. I know who wears the trousers in our relationship, and I agree it’s not me. I promise to abide by your rules & regulations. I understand that this is going to cost me a fortune in chocolates & flowers. I hereby promise to take you to an Enrique Iglesias concert, should I not return home by the approved time. On my way home, I will not pick a fight with any stranger, nor shall I conduct in depth discussions with the said entity. Upon my return home, I promise not to urinate anywhere other than in the toilet. In addition, I will refrain from waking you up, breathing my vile breath in your face, and attempting to breed like a (drunken) rabbit.
I declare that to the best of my knowledge (of which I have none compared to my BETTER half), the above information is correct.

Signed - Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:


Request is: APPROVED DENIED

This decision is not negotiable. If approved, cut permission slip below and carry at all times.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Permission for my boyfriend/fiancé/husband to be away for the following period of time:
Date: Time of departure: Time of return:

Signed – Girlfriend/Fiancé/Wife:

 

[Fastshow]

bloody foreigners.......

English in Foreign Countries- is it the same language?


1)In a Bangkok temple:
"IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN."

2)****tail lounge, Norway:
"LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR."

3)At a Budapest zoo:
"PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO
THE GUARD ON DUTY."

4)Doctors office, Rome:
"SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

5)Hotel, Acapulco:
"THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE."

6)Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan: "COOLES
AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT JUST CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE
CONTROL YOURSELF."

7)Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
"WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM
MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE
HIM WITH VIGOR."

8)Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
"DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS."

9)In a Nairobi restaurant:
"CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER."

10)On the grounds of a private school:
"NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION."

11)On an Athi River highway:
"TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."

12)On a poster at Kencom:
"ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP."

13)In a City restaurant:
"OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS."

14)One of the Mathare buildings:
"MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE."

15)A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
"DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS."

16)In a Pumwani maternity ward:
"NO CHILDREN ALLOWED."

17)In a cemetery:
"PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN
GRAVES."

18)Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
"GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN
BED."

19)Hotel notice, Tokyo:
"IS FORBIDDEN TO STEAL HOTEL TOWELS PLEASE. IF YOU ARE NOT A PERSON TO DO
SUCH A THING IS PLEASE NOT TO HAD NOT IS."

20)On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
"OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR."

21)In a Tokyo bar:
"SPECIAL ****TAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS."

22)Hotel brochure, Italy:
"THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM
ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE."

23)Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
"THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT
YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE."

24)Hotel elevator, Paris:
"PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK."

25)Hotel, Yugoslavia:
"THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID."

26)Hotel, Japan:
"YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID."

27)In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
monastery:
"YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET
COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY."

28)Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:
"NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF
ASCENSION."

29)Taken from a menu, Poland:
"SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE
FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE
COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION."

30)Supermarket, Hong Kong:
"FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE."

31)>From the "Soviet Weekly":
"THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET RE! PUBLIC
PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS."

32)In an East African newspaper:
"A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE
THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS."

33)Hotel, Vienna:
"IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER."

34)A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
"IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF
DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT
UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE."

35)Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN
THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE."

36)An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
"TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS."

37)Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
"TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES."

38)In the window on a Swedish furrier:
"FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN."

39)The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
"GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE."


40)In a Swiss mountain inn:
"SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM."


41)Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
"WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS."

42)On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
"IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT."

43)A laundry in Rome:
"LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME"