Quotes

[peter]

From The Original Hollywood Squares TV show...

These are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and not
scripted like they are now.

Peter Marshall: Paul, can you get an elephant drunk?
Paul Lynde: Yes, but it still won't go up to your apartment.

Peter Marshall: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and
you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask
him if he's married?
Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Peter Marshall: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get
older?
Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Peter Marshall: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I
love you"?
Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Peter Marshall: Prometheus was tied to the top of a mountain by the gods
because he had given something to man. What did he give us?
Paul Lynde: I don't know what you got, but I got a sports shirt.

Peter Marshall: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.

Peter Marshall: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with
your hands while you are talking?
Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter...and I'll
give you a gesture you'll never forget!

Peter Marshall: According to Zsa Zsa, does black look sexy on a woman?
Red Foxx: I wouldn't have it any other way.

Peter Marshall: What are "dual purpose" cattle good for that other cattle
aren't?
Paul Lynde: They give milk and cookies...but I don't recommend the cookies!

Peter Marshall: If you find someone lying unconscious in the street, should
you do anything?
George Goebel: I'd probably crawl around him I guess.

Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Peter Marshall: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you
going to get any during your first year?
Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!

Peter Marshall: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Peter Marshall: Eddie, according to the Institute of Motivational Research,
a wife should be beware if another woman takes an interest in a certain item
of her husband's clothing. What item?
Ed Asner: Well, shorts immediately springs to my mind.

Peter Marshall: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at
nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Peter Marshall: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Peter Marshall: Is there a weight limit for bags on airline flights in this
country?
Charley Weaver: If she can fit under the seat, she can fly.

Peter Marshall: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the
closet?
Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Peter Marshall: Can boys join the camp fire girls?
Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Peter Marshall: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail.
What will a goose do?
Paul Lynde: Make him jump about 3 feet into the air.

Peter Marshall: True or false, George...experts say there are only seven or
eight things in the world dumber than an ant.
George Gobel: Yes, and I think I voted for six of 'em.

Peter Marshall: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give
birth to?
Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Peter Marshall: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with
getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

Peter Marshall: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than
one daddy?
Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!

Peter Marshall: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo!
Poo! Poo!" What does that mean?
George Goebel: Cattle crossing.

Peter Marshall: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what
is it?
Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

Peter Marshall: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 250
pounds?
Charley Weaver: A divorcee.

Peter Marshall: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on
his head, what was he trying to do?
George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Peter Marshall: According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margaret would like to
start having babies soon, but her husband wants her to wait a while. Why?
Paul Lynde: He's out of town.

Peter Marshall: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in
the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver - that's why they asked the question.

Peter Marshall: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or
your elephant?
Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Peter Marshall: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

Peter Marshall: James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was
forty-one years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did."
What was it?
Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.

Peter Marshall: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in
them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
Charley Weaver: His feet.

Peter Marshall: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at
least how high?
Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Peter Marshall: Do female frogs croak?
Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water.

Peter Marshall: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably
a man or a woman?
Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Peter Marshall: Your baby has a certain object which he loves to cling to.
Should you try to break him of his habit?
Joan Rivers: Yes. It's daddy's turn.

 

[Fastshow]

gems...

TV Double-entendres
> > >
> > >
> > > MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle a
> > > male astronomer for warmth
> > > during BBC1's eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem
> > > cold out there,they're
> > > rubbing each other and he's come in his shorts."
> > >
> > > HERE is Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo
> > > and his caddie
> > > FannySunneson lining-up shots at the ScottisOpen:
> > > "Some weeks Nick likes to
> > > use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by
> > > himself."
> > >
> > > MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky
> > > Sports: "Stephen
> > > Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he
> > > gets."
> > >
> > > JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyres
> > > on World Superbikes:
> > > "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet
> > > he wished he had a hard
> > > on now."
> > >
> > > HERE is Chris Tarrant discussing the first
> > > Millionaire winner Judith Keppel
> > > on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger
> > > first by herself in bed
> > > last night."
> > >
> > > WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey
> > > Tony McCoy's formidable
> > > lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and
> > > likes what he sees."
> > >
> > > ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner
> > > Phil Redmond: "Well
> > > Phil,tell us about your amazing third leg."
> > >
> > > DURING the 1989 British Masters golf tournament,
> > > commentator Richie Benaud
> > > observed: "Notices are appearing at courses telling
> > > golfers not to lick
> > > their balls on the green."
> > >
> > > CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a
> > > Durham v Lancashire match,
> > > inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely
> > > soft hands he just
> > > tossed it off."
> > >
> > > CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look
> > > North said: "There's
> > > nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold
> > > night like this."
> > >
> > > JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand
> > > Prix, asked: "What does
> > > it feel like being rammed up the backside by
> > > Barrichello?"
> > >
> > > Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros
> > > felt much better today
> > > after a 69."
> > >
> > > THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough
> > > Scott's breath away. "My
> > > word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."
> > >
> > > Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys
> > > prepare for a big race
> > > when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams
> > > a night about coming
> > > from different positions."
> > >
> > > STEVE Leonard, talking about vegetation on Vets In
> > > The Wild, told Trude:
> > > "There's something big growing between my legs."
> > >
> > > CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages
> > > on Time Team Live said:
> > > "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

 

[Fastshow]

For Buckfast....

The following are actual ads placed in the Personal section of the Ministry of Sound magazine

ARE YOU AGED 18-30, female, slim build, into hardcore techno, a recent graduate and political activist? Then fcuk off. I want a shite-thick 16 year old bird with no opinions and massive tits. Reply to box xxxx

WERE YOU THE GIRL with braids, blue T-shirt, platform trainers, dancing to the left of the stage during JFK's set at Passion last Friday? I was the guy curled up under the speaker stack. I meant to talk to you but I was hallucinating and I thought you had a wolf's head and flippers. But I'm ok now. Reply to xxxx

ATTENTION ALL MAD clubheads in the Toxteth area going to Cream this weekend.. Me and my mates are going to nick all your valuables while you're out because we're thieving scally bastards.

IF YOU ARE a group of around four house fans in the Acton High Street area of West London and you're particularly into old skool Chicago sounds, please turn your stereo down because some of us are fcuking trying to get some sleep.

ARE YOU THE TALL BLACK-HAIRED GUY in the black and silver Versace shirt who I shagged in the Ministry toilets about three months ago without any form of birth control? Please write to me. I'd love to hear from you. Just to see how you are and stuff. Don't worry, there's nothing to worry about. Really. It's just that I'm going to have a...ummm...a PARTY! Yes, that's it. A party. Reply xxxx

WANTED: COCAINE. Lots of it. Reply to xxxx

WERE YOU THE man standing three feet away from me at the bar in Fabric, smiling weakly and smelling rather too strongly of Issey Miyake? Because if you look at my tits one more time, I am going to glass you.

 

[Fastshow]

Ali G Philosophises....

Ali G's View on a Women's Period

Booyakasha! Check dis !!!
Not many people know dis but an important difference
between men and Women iz sumfin called "da mental cycle"
or as the doctors call it, "havin' de painters in".
But no matter wot name u gives it, it still causes terrible
pain and sufferin and it aint pleasant for women eiver.

SO HOW OFTEN DOES IT OCCUR?
Well, ladies get da "red wedge" once every 3 weeks, tho
sometimes more often. Me Julie for hexample tells me she
has got it at least a couple of times a week.

WHY DO THEY HAPPEN?
Medikly, wot 'appens iz hactually very simple. Der iz a
clock dat ticks in her muff, when it gets to "her time" da egg dat she has been fryin in her aviary drops out of her punani.

CAN YOU HAVE INTERCOURSE DURIN' MENSTURATION?
1. People fink dat you can't have sex when your lady has
"Arsenal playin' at hom". Dis is not true - you can, but just not wiv her.
2. In fact, u can turn de situation to ya advantage and to show how considerate and luvin' you iz, suggest to her dat u do it up her batty.

Ear me now..i is not kiddin!

 

[Keeper]

Classic

"Arsenal playin' at hom".

 

[Fastshow]

fnar........

Here are some comments made by sports commentators that I'm sure they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk event: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Grand Prix Race Announcer: "The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back."

4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

5. Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but none of them really that serious."

6. Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

7. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

8. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the cox of the Oxford crew."

9. Metro Radio, College Football: "Juan Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

10. US Open TV Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said?"

 

[peter]

Those are pretty funny double entendre's Fasty but I think #10 is a misquote. Being the vintage I am, I distinctly recall Johnny Carson asking Arnie's wife if there was anything special she did before a tournament.

"I kiss his balls", she replied.

After a pause Johnny said "I bet that makes his putter stand up!"

 

[Fastshow]

!

Nice.


Good work, old fella.

 

[Hands of Stone]

Some More

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

> Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

``````````````````````````````````

> "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey

````````````

> "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

`````````````````````````````````````````````````

> "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

`````````````````````````````````````````````

> "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

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> "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

````````````````````````````````````````````````````

> "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas.

````````````````````````````

> "I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." --John Wayne

```````````

> "Half this game is ninety percent mental." =-Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

``````````````````````````````````

> "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. it's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice president

```````````````````

> "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." =-Dan Quayle

``````````

> " It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another" --George Bush, US President

``````````````````````

> "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca

```````````

> "I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

`````````````````````````````````````````

> "The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

````````````````````````````````````````````

> "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

`````````````````````````````````

> "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." =-Bill Clinton, President

``````````````````

> "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP

``````````

> "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery

```````````````

> "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

````````````````````````````````````````````

> "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

````````````````````````
HOS

 

[Fastshow]

Phoenix Nights........



Some great questions, brought to you by Peter Kay

1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?
5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
6. If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?
7. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
8. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
9. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
10. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
11. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
12. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
13. What do people in China call their good plates?
14. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a
coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
15. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
16. Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs......
17. What do you call male ballerinas?
18. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
19. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why couldn't he just buy dinner?
20. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
21. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
22. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
23. If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?
24. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
25. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
26. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's in your arse?
27. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the fcuking window?

Weird Things You Would Never Know!!
Butterflies taste with their feet.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
It's possible to lead a cow upstairs.. but not downstairs.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
A snail can sleep for three years.
No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
All polar bears are left handed.
In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from the bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
Almost everyone who reads this post will try to lick their elbow.

 

[Hands of Stone]

Court Quotes

Courtroom Quotes:

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
------
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
------
Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
------
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that
morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
------
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
------
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
-------
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
-------
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights
flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
-------
Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
-------
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
-------

But the witnesses don't have anything on the lawyers:

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
-------
Q: This myasthenia gravis--does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
-------
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
-------
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
-------
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
-------
Q: Did he kill you?
-------
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
-------
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
-------
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
-------
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
-------
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
-------
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
-------
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
-------
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
-------
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?|
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
-------
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
-------
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
-------
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
-------
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.

Judge Judy