Would like to have a pint with........

[Fastshow]

So who'd you like to sit down and have a couple of jars with? Yes, you can choose The Captain seeing as it would appear his annual apartheid on entering drinking establishments before Christmas has been lifted and is, therefore, available for selection.

I nominate that fella off yank police drama 'The Shield' as long as he stayed in character and actually knew a lot of really fit hookers and had a stash as big in real life as in his programme. I've just been informed by a sad trainspotting type in marketing that the actor's name is Michael Chiklis. That's that out of the way, then.

I'd also like to nominate Bernard Sumner and Peter Hook out of New Order. Their unrivalled musical genius and penchant for unbridled debauchery would make it quite a sesh that could, feasibly, last for weeks. Like a pair of KNVB's underpants.

Bubbling under on the shortlist for, 'would like to have a pint with,' is laughing-yank-type Dennis Miller, flawed-genius-type Paul Gascoigne, insidiously-funny-UK sitcom-type Ricky Gervais, camp-as-Christmas-but-funny-as-fcuk-type Stephen Fry, down-to-earth-with-massive-pillow-touchers-Yorkshire-type Nell McAndrew, charidee-walking-ex-cricketing-type Ian Botham, and Essex-crumpet-who-could-go-for-days-type Denise Van Outen. And Cardinal Basil Hume. He strikes me as a man who can handle his ale. Were it not for the undeniable fact that he is dead.

So, nominate who you'd like to have a sesh with, tell us you've only a matter of hours to live and Regs and his Make a Wish Foundation will set it up for you. This offer applies to Premium Members only. Offer not applicable in Quebec. Your statutory rights are not affected. Void if removed.

 

[knvb]

Emmit Smith.

Happy?

 

[Buckfast]

Fastshow's Gran.

Not for the nooky, but out of spite. Don't want to see him get the inheritance he has soooo patiently waited for.

Yours in right-handed golf clubs,

Buckfast

 

[Saint]

Hmmmm

So with whom would I like to have a pint?

Much like Jinky, I don’t really have a penchant for originality so I’ll defer to Towers Perrin boy and reiterate two of his selections. Saint (yes, I’m now referring to myself in the third person) would start by having a little chin wag and a few tins with funny-American-type Dennis Miller. To be ushered into the inner sanctum of my libation session would next be the soon-to-be ‘Have I Got News For You’ host - he of no pleasure principle, Stephen Fry. Them aside, Methinks that Noam Chomsky would be an interesting sideshow to my ardent consumption of pork scratching, as I could repeatedly tell him to shut the fcuk-up or say something new - I’ve been told that, much like the Scottish construction workers that insist on starting work at seven in the morning right outside my fcuking window, he does serve a purpose even if he is nauseatingly redundant.

Next up would be the ever so sexy, ex-Charles-in-Charge type Nicole Eggert. Or, to be more precise, her newly purchased luxuriant breasts. Pure Class. My final selection wouldn’t be a choice of mine per se, but my altruistic side would like to have a wee confab with Le Butcher of Baghdad. By trying to ameliorate the current situation over a pint of Velvet , I think I could become the next Caliph of the Muslim world. Such titleage would invariably enable me to hire a little bugger to do all my aerobicising…for me. The old neck bollock will be gone in no time. I’d also take it upon myself to politely inform him that if doesn’t wise up and give in to the good guys Baghdad, by Christmas, will be as flat as my missus’s upper bits.

Tag -- who’s next?

 

[Jinky]

I'm unoriginal?

Thanks very much.

 

[Fastshow]

shock-ing........

Not was I was hoping for but predictable nonetheless, I suppose. Particularly from KNVB who is, after all, just some skid from Seaquam.

Buckfast, there's nothing patient about my waiting for my Gran's last intake of breath. I just spent the weekend in Bournemouth and this time, instead of quietly dispensing of her Marston's Branston Pickle and Heinz Salad Dressing that expired in June 1987, I left a few gems in her cupboards to try and see the old girl off. 96 is a good innings, you know, now she's just being greedy. I need my inheritence to buy a new set of clubs after some spiteful little left-handed front-bottom absconded with them under cover of darkness. The most disappointing thing is that my game hasn't become any worse without clubs. Gutting.

I rather like the idea of Saint being the first TTP-sanctioned Caliph of the Muslim world assuming, of course, Regs agrees to it. Otherwise we could just have a rogue Caliph on our hands. And the world doesn't need any more of them.

I don't understand the implication regarding Jinky's lack of oogamy so will not venture into that potential hornet's nest. Other than to say that Saint, being resentful of the drama that surrounds my every move on this earth, clearly wants some of his own. He has much to learn and could have borrowed some of mine, the fool. And furthermore (not venturing into the hornet's nest whatsoever), if Jinky lacks invention, it doesn't say much, if anything, for the rest of 'em. Like Buckfast.

I decided this morning that, given the chance, I would like to sit down and enjoy a pint of Guinness Extra Cold with the bassline out of New Order's classic 1989 semeiotic zeitgeist that is 'Vanishing Point'. Full bodied with superb legs. Nicole Eggert be fcuked. Oh, go on then.

Anyone else, or are all the rest of you as boring as each other? Regs's Make A Wish Foundation is struggling for work.

 

[Saint]

I think that I’ll give this another go….

Über-intellectual type and immortalised playwright Tom Stoppard is next up for a shared two-straw snakebite. Brilliant and astute fellow that he is, he’d probably tell me to fcuk-off in some incredibly vainglorious fashion but, hey, doesn’t everyone?

To follow the wit and charm of one of England’s greatest ever Polish-born literatarians would be the one and only, the elder statesman of Oasis, mono-brow Gallagher. Consuming a bottle of Glen Whatever with Britain’s 438th best songwriter, I’d finally muster up the courage to ask: “Where did it all go wrong?” From the sublime brilliance of Slide Away to the repugnant sounds of Little by Little in under a decade. How naïve I was.

Who’s next: Ah fcuk it, by this point I’d probably be a little worse for wear and in search of a place to rest my head. However, for those of you familiar with this neck of the woods, such journey’s are at times arduous and fraught with danger. Therefore, I’d extend my final search for companionship to that diminutive little hobbit, Guinness. It’s not that I don’t like you and all - so please don’t retort with some overtly masculine and beefed-up detritus - it’s just that Edinburgh appears to be a breeding ground for Jack Frost and the Ice Bunnies. This, as my keen sense of sight has afforded me, apparently means that the local citizenry take great pride in kicking seven-shades-shite out of the those with a paucity of size. It’s like exercise for the Jocks. So to keep my toes from going blue and to make me look harder than Ginger Spice’s belly bag, you’d be my selection. Here’s to kickin’ away.

Skaal

Tag -- Jinky, you’re up.

 

[sensei_hanson]

I'd sit and enjoy a pint with Kingsley, the scalper outside of GM Place who always seems to convince me that I'm getting a deal off him, when all I've actually done is paid double face-value on a night where the joint isn't even close to being sold out. Kingsley apparently had it pretty rough during the Grizzlie years - I noticed as much when he handed me one of his business cards and the sterling silver lettering on deep-blue background had been replaced with his phone number etched onto a Mr. Tubesteak napkin with a sharpie. He worked out some sort of deal with the hotdog guy, flipping would-be customers who didn't have exact change for the tickets (a good scalper never has proper change) to buy a SuperBrawt Combo and break your twenty for correct duckets for those third row corner balconies. A brilliant scheme considering two-thirds of the Vancouverites stumbling off the SkyTrain are so parched from the pregame bong session that even Arby's would be appealing at this time of the evening. Plus, you don't wanna pay $7.50 for a dog inside GM Place, do you? For this he got free napkins in return. Yet the inner-workings of the street bartering system still remains a mystery to me.

I always got the feeling that traditional learning institutes such as college and university never really taught you the important stuff in life. Pints with the wily street vendor - now that's higher learning.

 

[Hands of Stone]

The Truth about Larry Flint

The man that started Hustler could tell a story or two. Plus he was one of the pioneers for the fight against censorship.
He fought the fight and got laid by some of the hottest ladies of the time.
Talk about having your cake and eating Pussy too.

CaptainC

 

[TheRob]

HOS,

I thought for sure you'd say your good buddy TheRob.

Myself?

Jinky, Saint, Fastshow, and Sensei. I'd be interested to see if they actually talk like that in real life.

 

[Willy]

Irvine Welsh. Quite possibly the most influential scottish writer since Rab Burns. With books like "Trainspotting" and "Acid House" under his belt, I think his appreciation for mind altering binges goes without question.

Come to think of it, what might start out as a few pints could quite eaisly turn into the most chemically enhance night of my life.

Bring on the Chemical Brothers for the soundtrack of my night with Irvine Welsh

Willy McE

 

[cside17]

Joe Cahill, enough said!

 

[Dapotayto]

Cameron Diaz. because I'm pretty sure I could nail her if we were out having a couple. Just have to make her laugh a little, smoke a few cigarettes, throw back a pint or two and those long legs are all mine back at her pad. So what if her huge melon and waify body look like an orange on a toothpick. She's still hot, and she's an incredibly talented writer and philosopher as well. O.k., maybe I'm just being stupid about the writer stuff.

 

[Willy]

Writer stuff ...

Originally posted by Dapotayto
... look like an orange on a toothpick.

Speaking of writer stuff ... you might want to seek permission from Mike Myers before you steal lines from his movies and use them as your own.

Willy McPiperDown

 

[BullyB]

Catherine Zetta-Jones

Or whatever her name is now, shes sofisticated and from the UK.
What more could you want, those BRITISH BROADS are filthy.

 

[mickster]

Purchased boobies

I'm with Saint on the Nicole Eggert thing. Love to spend some "quality time" with her. Sticking to the purchased boobs theme, I'd also like to drink with Pam Anderson and maybe make a movie of our own Brooke Burke would have some good stories to share from Wild On and thats the only reason to spend time with her Shania would be cool too. For my testosterone kick I'd have a pint with Sly and Arnie, my favourite movie heros. I just love thinking about drinking

 

[Keeper]

AA meetings: this way.

I just love thinking about drinking

A sure-fire sign of alcoholism.

 

[SC]

Regs...

I wouldn't mind seeing if the guy is still in existance

+SC

Jinks, are you going to be around to throw down a couple?

5 days and counting

 

[gong show]

New Champ

Hands down.....Harj ghuman the king of E.I. Rye............

 

[Fastshow]

mmmmmmmmmm.............

Hands down.....Harj ghuman the king of E.I. Rye............

My hands are down but I'm still at a loss as to who (or what) you're on about, Gonger. I've been unable to crack your code so far but live in constant and unwavering hope for some sort of epiphany. I'd also like to know who or what Harj ghuman is. Just to get my wallcharts up to date, you see.


I'd like to have a pint with Sensei-idol Jim Rome just to see what all the fuss is about and to see whether he's as 'funny' in real life as he certainly seems to be in Sensei's breathless posts. Given his apparent unfortunate ethnicity I fear I would have to finish his lager-top for him before smashing the empty pint pot over his annoying and utterly unfunny American head. He comes across as someone with fcuk-all in his mind but who's willing to have a punt anyway.

So does Jim Rome.