Joke of the Day

[BlazeArmy]

Relationship Quiz.

1.In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

A. Lovemaking
B. Screwing
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2.You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:

A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
B. Your blood test results
C. Five tequila slammers

3.You time your orgasm so that:

A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss Sports Center

4.Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing to which your wife/girlfriend would agree.
C. Not the sort of thing about which your wife/girlfriend need ever to find out.

5.Spending the whole night cuddling a woman with whom you've just had sex is:

A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra

6.Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:

A. No concern to you.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7.You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A Moron.

8.Foreplay is to sex as:

A. Appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9.Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?

A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville, population: YOU."

10.A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with the intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Should never have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

EVALUATING RESULTS:

If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you ARE a man!!

If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're a little confused.

If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!"

 

[BlazeArmy]

One day, Bill comes home from the pickle factory where he works and confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests he see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill says he’d be too embarrassed, and he vows to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill comes home absolutely ashen.
"What's wrong, Bill?" his wife asks.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"She and I both got fired."

 

[BlazeArmy]

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, and led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. One of the guests asked, "What's that big brass gong?" "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied. "A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yep," replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You jackass, it's ten past three in the morning!"

 

[Ralph Wiggum]

Not sure if this qualifies but it made me laugh... from Fox Sportsworld.com, talking about the FIFA player of the year.

"In the quarter-finals, Brazil met a miserly England defense, bolstered by the veteran goalkeeper David Seaman, one of the hottest shot-stoppers in the world and with a lovely pony-tail to boot.

Michael Owen scored a surprise breakaway goal for the English, having pounced on a Lucio mistake, then Rivaldo pulled one back with a neat finish and just after half-time Brazil were awarded a free kick a long distance out, wide right of the England goalmouth.

Q: What do an Elephant and Ronaldinho have in common?
A: They can both lob Seaman from 40 yards. "

 

[BlazeArmy]

A Mother and Father take their young son to the circus.
When the elephants appear, the son is intrigued by them, and he turns to his mother and says, "Mom, what's that hanging between the elephant's legs?"
The mother is very embarrassed, and says "Oh, it's nothing son."
So the son turns to his father and asks the same question.
The father replies, "It's the elephant's penis, son."
So the son says, "Why did mom say it was nothing?"
The father draws himself up, and says proudly, "Because I've spoiled that woman, son."

 

[BlazeArmy]

Two five-year-old boys were getting acquainted on the playground. "My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Adam," replied the second. "My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua. Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Joshua. "No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.

 

[BlazeArmy]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots...
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra."
Again with trembling hands he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Now," she said, "take off my panties."
By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, I'll fire you on the spot."

 

[BlazeArmy]

Terrible Tragedy.

Tragedy in Eastern Canada

Gander, NFLD (CP)

Canada's worst air disaster occured early this morning when a Cessna 152 crashed into a cemetery in Central Newfoundland. NFLD Search and Resue have recovered 901 bodies so far and expect that number to rise as digging continues into the evening.

 

[BlazeArmy]

The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant doesn't answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "Well, ask him where the @#!* money is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the three million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, ****s the trigger and says, "Ask him again where the @#!* money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "Okay! Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well, what did he say?"
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

 

[BlazeArmy]

Two men are driving through West Virginia when they get pulled over by a deputy sheriff.
The sheriff walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the sheriff smacks him in the head with the stick. "What the hell was that for?" the driver asks.
"You're in West Virginia, boy," the sheriff answers. "When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
"I'm sorry, officer," the driver says, "I'm not from around here."
The deputy runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean--and gives his license back.
The deputy then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the sheriff smacks him on the head with the nightstick.
"What'd you do that for?" the passenger whines.
"Just making your wish come true," replies the deputy.
"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asks.
"Well now," says the deputy, "you know and I know that about two blocks down the road you're going to turn to your buddy and say, "I wish that asshole had tried that shite with me !"

 

[BlazeArmy]

For Luc

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?

When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

 

[termatofylakas]

Hey Blaze this joke is something like 5 years old if not more. Not funny anymore.

 

[BlazeArmy]

The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."

 

[striker14]

A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara Desert by camel. On the third day, a sandstorm whips up and they take shelter. When the storm stops, the camel is dead.

"Well Sister this looks grim", says the priest. "We can't survive two days out here and we're a week from the nearest camp. Since we're unlikely to live, would you do something for me Sister? I've never seen a woman's breasts. Could I see yours?"
The nun, a bit fazed, replies, "Under the circumstances, I can't see any harm." So she gets them out. Then the priest says, "Sister would you mind if I touched them?" Again, she consents.

After a few minutes, the nun asks, "Father could I ask something of you? I've never seen a man's thingy. Could I see yours?"
"OK", says the priest. When she's examined the priest's organ she asks, "Can I touch it?" The priest agrees. After a couple of minutes of her attention, he's standing at attention.

He whispers, "Sister, did you know that if I insert my penis into the right place, it can give life?"

"Is that really true?" asks the nun.

"Yes," whispers the priest.

"Then stick it up that camel's ass and let's get the hell out of here!!!!"

 

[Argyle]

Definition of Bravery

Definition of Bravery:

True bravery is arriving home, stinking drunk after a very late night out

with the boys, being met at the door and assaulted with a broom by your

wife and still having the guts to ask:

"Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?"

 

[Hands of Stone]

Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies: "Mom! I have someone for you to meet. Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks: "Why the black panties?" She replies: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knows he's not getting lucky that night.
The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit ... except that he is wearing a black condom. She looks at him and asks: "What's with this .... a black condom?"
He replies: "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

 

[Hands of Stone]

Milk Bath

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left
a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5
gallons so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "No. I need to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a "milk bath."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits, I can splash it in my eyes."

Pasteurized, to funny.

 

[cside17]

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool
Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the
pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the
bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the director of nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act,
she considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good
news and bad news."

"The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life
of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays a
sound mind."

"The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself
in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved
him. I am sorry, but he's dead."



Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?"

 

[BlazeArmy]

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch. Wow! the trooper gasped. Your car looks like an accordion that was trampled on by an elephant! Are you OK, ma'am? Why, yes, officer, I'm just fine the blonde chirped. Well, how in the world did this happen? the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing! the blonde began. "I was driving along this road, when from out of nowhere this tree popped up in front of me, so I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was another tree. I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was Uh, madam, the officer said, cutting her off as he looked inside the car, There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth.

 

[knvb]

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch. Wow! the trooper gasped. Your car looks like an accordion.....

What kind of world do we live in where a trooper would make a bird pull herself out from the wreckage after an accident with-out helping? Sadistic.